7. Hollywood (Single Version)

Part VII of my album-guided personal narrative.

Hollywood infected your brain
You wanted kissing in the rain, oh, oh
Living in a movie scene
Puking American dreams, oh, oh
I'm obsessed with the mess that's America, ooh

Everything I’ve learned about relationships and sex has come from reading, primarily fanfiction. I would become obsessed with certain pairings (Dramione, Reylo, etc.) and stay up until two in the morning reading “smut”. I’m sure there was some sex ed in health class that my parents felt was adequate, but none of the material seemed to have left an impression. As a teenager, I felt indifferent towards virginity, and I liked to use pansexual as my label. I’ve been a serial monogamist for over a decade; I haven’t spent more than like three months single since I was thirteen years old. Perhaps, my special interest is… people? Relationships?? Obsessions???

Ingrid Goes West (2017)

Sophomore year, I spontaneously had sex for the first time with some guy three years my senior, because my best friend decided she wanted to lose her virginity to her long term boyfriend. I was trying to follow her lead, except that aforementioned predator told me not to go to college. He had no degree and smoked cigarettes. I left. Too bad I stuck myself with the next one for four years. Somehow, he was worse, the narcissist, and cost me hundreds in therapy. Now, I’ve reached almost six years in length. From a data perspective alone, I’ve been steadily improving.

This isn’t to say I was never in love; I am. I also believe that lifelong partnerships are a choice. There is plenty of temptation in the world, and somehow (ahem, AI) it’s still getting worse. In my bubble, though, none of that really matters. We both watch porn. Personally, a wank is wank and being intimate with my partner are two entirely separate experiences. The latter is preferable. The former is scratching an itch. I wouldn’t say we’ve ever fought, but he might disagree. Sometimes, I want to shake him and say: